I am what you call a rotational or serial dater. Essentially, I am a very single woman, who actively dates several men, at once. By date, I simply mean entertain the men, in whatever way I want. While you’re wondering, I am not sittin’ on every piece of meat I’m in contact with. I’m collecting data, not bodies. However, if I wanted to explore my sexual desire, I would and it still would be none of yo’ business.
In college, I was a serial dater. I was young, loving life, and wasn’t worried about love or building a family. It wasn’t until I graduated college and start adultin’ that I got caught up in all of this building a family and love ish. I forgot about the healthy benefits of becoming a serial dater, until now.
For the past few months, I have been having a blast. From nice dinner dates, ice cream meet ups, and walks on the beach, I have truly had a chance to explore the type of man I desire to be in my presence and the boundaries that I need to enforce.
While having my fun and on my healing journey, I realized that I needed to put these men in categories. Obviously there are men that I wouldn’t dare give the time of day. But there are also men who I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life with but I still would love to be around them, in some capacity. So I used my boundaries to help categorize these men, girl. If not, I’ll never get anywhere and will continue to pick the wrong men.
Here are a few of the thangs that a guy must have to gain access to me:
- Money, Money, Money: Where them racks at, nigga? Baby, listen! You gotta have yo’ OWN money. I don’t need you calling me to ask me to borrow a pen. Have yo’ own money so you can live the lifestyle you want. There are niggas out here who will get with you and try to live vicariously through you, when they aren’t capable of living that same lifestyle by themselves. S
- Self Sufficiency: You can have money and not be self sufficient. You know? It’s important to have good money management skills and make adult choices. Granted, we all mess up the bag a time or two but you need to have a record of being self sufficient. Have you completed a full lease term? Have you ever been fired for not going to work? Do you job hop? Do you have some type of stability? These are just a few questions that determine if I would even consider you to be in my life, at all. If you’re not responsible in your personal life, you won’t be responsible with my heart.
- Empathic: Whew, chile! I can’t stress this enough. As a matter of fact, if you’re not empathetic, I will not give you the time of day. I don’t care how much money you have. I do not wanna be with someone who only considers himself, unkind, no compassion or grace, and who lacks consideration. These people are grouchy and I don’t want that in my life.
- Giving: Will you give me your time? Am I worth that hour drive? Will you make an exception and go the extra mile to communicate with me? Will you give me the attention I need? These thangs are hella important.
- Plan: What do you plan on doing? I don’t need a man who has no idea about his future. I asked a guy one time, “What do you plan on doing?” He replied, “I don’t know.” I didn’t take that sign but it definitely was a foreshadowing moment to what was to come. So I need to know if you have a plan for ya’self. If not, you definitely can’t have one for us.
These pre-reqs and a few more like emotional intelligence, interests, conflict resolution skills, how ego, teachable, and etc are what’s required to even get energy from me.
Lemme tell you something…I realize how valuable I am. I literally change your life for the better, IF you let me. So the fact that I know I can inspire people to be the best they can be means I have to be choosy about who I decide to choose to share my energy with. The only one I can do that is if I have some pre-reqs.
Once I find out through conversation, if the men have the pre-reqs, I proceed accordingly. Here’s the categories.
Acquaintance: This is usually someone who has the minimum level of requirements. He’s not mean and be hella cool. So I really don’t have a problem with him. But the fact that he meets the minimum kinda puts him at the bottom. He usually lacks in areas I need, if I was going to be in a relationship with him. We’ll be cool but we don’t talk everyday. We’ll go on a few dates, too. But, I’ll never take him ‘seriously’ because he’s not the kinda guy I would marry.
The Focus: This could be more than one man. But ‘the focus’ is someone I’ll probably make exceptions for. Like, I may not feel like talking on the phone but I answer cuz it’s him. Or, I may get extra cute to see him. Hell, I may even buy some lingerie for him. That’s cuz we vibe well, he exceeds the requirements, and understands consistent companionship. Really, the only thang I’m tryna see now is if he can be consistent, at this point.
Favorite Nigga: This man has a dual role– he can help heal your pain or end up being your committed boo. Many times this is ‘the focus’ upgraded. He’s more than a friend with benefits but not I’m ‘committed’ to but the respect is definitely there. For me, he’s someone I could get serious with, if I wanted to, but understand that now just isn’t the time. This guy has given me the most consistency, while giving me everything I need to feel secure in your budding friendship.
Once I became clear about my desires, it was easy to break this dating thang down. While it may seem overwhelming and exhausting, it gets easier over time. Now, I have no problem letting someone know I’m not interested. I also don’t have a problem with letting my friends know that I am a serial dater and they are not the only one I’m entertaining. I still have those same men who take me out on dates and invest in me.
I’ll talk about the type of men who don’t have an issue with a woman being human and exploring, next time.
Anyhoo, if you haven’t started, you should put these men in categories. All of them don’t deserve the same treatment. Serial dating helps you to not over invest, enforce your boundaries, and so much more. Gawd! It’s so peaceful.
What are your categories?