[REFLECTION] *Almost* one Year Later: Life is so Much Better

Last year, around this time, I was in an abusive, depressed, & lonely ass relationship.

One night, a couple of days before Christmas,  I remember being told I wasn’t shit & verbally abused. The next day,  I snuck out of our apartment, trying to avoid confrontation.

I remember packing my luggage, taking it to the elevator, coming back, and asking for the car keys.

Leaving as I was going Christmas shopping, I called my friend & asked for help. I told him everything. A few minutes later, I had a room & went there to find safety. I was exhausted.

I lived and was in love with someone who tortured me. I simply couldn’t rest inside my own home. So I had to go find peace.

While there, I wrote about the need of finding peace & gaining clarity. I realized just how fucked up I was, due to tryna love someone. I was in the twilight zone. I felt like I was going crazy.

I slept soooo peacefully and for so long. I was able to move around freely without having to worry about being criticized, just for breathing. Being in that hotel gave me security and I felt safe. Just to be able to not have to be scared, felt good to me.

I was able to reflect on what was happening. I realized I was tired of:

▪️Being punched, kicked, dragged, and pushed down
▪️Being yelled at, verbally abused
▪️Being called a fat bitch
▪️Being stuck in the crib for hours
▪️Being taken advantage of
▪️Having to beg to drive my own car
▪️Arguing & fighting
▪️Enduring gaslighting

I was simply tired of being treated like shit & unappreciated. I knew our relationship was over, when I left. Three days after writing about gaining peace, he moved out & I haven’t spoken to him since.

Little did I know, this was the start of the peaceful & happy life I live now. As I’ve stated in my book, I wanted to go back to him, even after all of that.

Yes! It was abusive, hurtful, and sad but it was also familiar. I would try to find a way to make it work, until Jan 13. After that, I released him back into the Universe–no call, text, 3rd party messages, or anything. I was done.

I would begin to write myself to back-to-life, even after contemplating suicide. Hence, #girlkeepgoing. I cried myself to sleep daily, didn’t leave my house, and was depressed for almost six months.

It’s been a year since we started our breakup process. Just a couple of weeks shy from one year of officially being single, I am happy that I chose to walk out, first. Had I not done so life wouldn’t be this grand. It’s impossible to grow or share anythang with a person full of turmoil and chaos.

I share this to say, I know many of you are in the throes of life right now. Relationships bring grief, separation anxiety, insomnia, depression, loneliness, and a few other thangs, when they’ve ended. It’s always harder to digest, during the holidays.

You think about the ‘what if’s and have the ‘why me?’ attitude, which is both reasonable and understandable.

I’m now on the other side of pain and have found joy. I’ve healed without an apology or even an acknowledgement of any wrongdoing on his end. I’m here to tell you that as long as you continue to focus on healing, you’ll heal from this situation.

You’ll cry, become depressed & sad, and may even call him, during a weak moment. But, as long as you understand what the hell is going on & you’re aware, the urges to be with him will weaken. There will be no desire to see him, but that’s only if you continue to do the work.

Give yourself a full year. It sounds like a long time but you’ll need an entire twelve months (maybe even longer) to heal from the pain of a gaslighting, ungrateful, misogynistic, narcissistic person.

Most of all, please be easy on ya’self. Extend grace to your own being. You’ll need it.

Unplug if you need to. Remember it won’t be Christmas time forever. Breathe, recognize your feelings, categorize as necessary, and release.

You’re loved.

You’re beautiful.

You deserve pleasure.

Girl, Keep Going.

2 Comments

  1. What a courageous story. I pray that others who suffer from similar issues read this and get out and find comfort and peace.

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